Although there are times when all I feel like doing is lying low, watching TV (and by TV, of course I mean hulu- no cable for me), or being social, since I've started this blog and admitted to myself that I want to live in question land for a while, my pastime of choice is reading, thinking, and writing on religion.
For instance, it's Saturday night and I just spent about an hour mulling through this gem of a website:
http://www.bigquestionsonline.com/
I also checked some blogger's posts. I made my way to some new bloggers, whose thoughts fascinated me. Some I commented on, some I did not. Right now, my mind is housing inspiration for 5 different posts. I can't help but think about religion every day. It's exciting.
And it has the potential to be bad, to take over. As noble and important as the journey for truth may seem, I guess I do have a life outside of it... There are times (like right now), when my eyes grow wider with each article title or blog post I scan on my computer screen and all I want to do is push everything in my comparatively humdrum life aside and learn! Sometimes the daily routine -hitting the snooze button, stumbling out of bed, going to work, driving to my other work, tidying up, going back to bed- can seem mundane and insignificant when compared to the few minutes every day that I can usually dedicate to this "quest."
But those daily things that can feel so small, well, they accumulate to form my life! I really can't stop working so that I will be able to sort this out. If I were to consistently give in to my desires to read or blog surf into the wee small hours, my wellness would decline. If I ignored very real, pesky earthly things such as student loan notices, I would feel the pain.
I have to sometimes slow down my anxious mind, full of questions and uncertainties, and tell it to just focus on today. Not let the big questions of humankind rest too heavily on my shoulders. To get too caught up in them would be to make sacrifices in my personal life. Does anyone else reading this struggle with this passion problem?
I've definitely struggled with it, particularly when I was in the down parts of my life (meltdown phase like Julie in Julia and Julie)...I wanted to put an end to my emotional troubles by finding an answer. The key is to find a way to live with uncertainty without feeling bad about them. Sometimes that involves changing other variables in your life...like taking a break from church hunting if that gives you pressure, or giving your family tidbits of info to inform them that you have some doubts and need time to sort it out. My husband did this with my parents...do you have a brother or sister that you can trust more (than your parents) to gently give them some info. Also, reading the deconverts blogs along side the Christian blogs like Biologos made me feel like an outcast. It seems like everyone had found a resolution. Even the Rachel Held Evans blog sometimes made me feel bad, since she has definitely come to somewhat of a resolution as well. Trust me, even if you spend every minute of your days reading about A/Theism, you probably wont come to a resolution any faster...so just take your time, and give yourself time to think and sleep over things...take time out to enjoy your other passions or hobbies. This was the same advice given to me...it seemed rather unhelpful at the time, but now I'm giving it to you! (P.s. It is amazing how much my perspective has changed when I sleep over things...I've recently read a book how lack of sleep in children can inhibit their learning process b/c the brain needs time to form new connections). What seemed crazy one day seems commonplace the next day. I hope that helps. Also, know that it is okay to feel obsessive and passionate at times...the sad times are there for a purpose as well. Feel free to email me if you just want to chat likeachildscience at gmail dot come
ReplyDeleteps- sorry for the typos. I was in a rush b/c I have screaming kids in the background.
ReplyDelete(see I'm not following my own advice)
ReplyDelete"The key is to find a way to live with uncertainty without feeling bad about them." Yes, I have to agree! I've had other periods of doubt that felt much more urgent than this one feels. The difference is that, then, I was still considering myself a Christian, so I felt terrible for having the doubts and wanted them to be over with as soon as possible. Now, I have separated myself from the dogma enough to feel proud of myself for finally having the courage to look at my home faith critically.
ReplyDelete"Trust me, even if you spend every minute of your days reading about A/Theism, you probably wont come to a resolution any faster...so just take your time, and give yourself time to think and sleep over things..." True! Good advice. It is, after all, my choice. There are thousands of smart people on all sides, so reading their arguments alone won't necessarily help me reach a conclusion.
Thank you for your email. I might take you up on that. I have had just a couple of meltodowns, but mostly I just have an insatiable interest in all things religious and metaphysical. It's good to hear that I'm not alone in not claiming to have any answers right now, but pushing to figure some out.
ps. I had to laugh with you at both of your ps's! I need to look into your blog more on ways that you're dealing with this as a parent. I find that fascinating.