I used to have a more broad blog, one of those updates on my life, write about whatever I feel like kind of blogs. There were times when the writing came so easily, when a piece of my life felt interesting enough to share with the few followers I had, or when I had something to express. And then there were vast stretches of space in between the easy flowing posts in which I was silent. Perhaps it was busyness, sometimes unhappiness, or just disinterest in blogging.
This type of blog is different. I'm not writing for the sake of writing or updating friends on my happenings, not saying that blogs like these are bad. (They are great ways to stay in touch with friends across the country.) But this blog is more of an assignment, something I figured I should do in order to solve a problem I found myself miserably wrapped up in. This blog is supposed to document my progress from the doubting Christian I was to, eventually, someone who is secure in what she believes. Obviously, we're not sure what that's going to be yet. That's where the posts come in. They serve as steps on the path toward enlightenment (not really meaning that in the Buddhist sense). I've realized that not only are they my way of progressing toward a truth I can believe in, they are tiny fragments adding to the much larger dialogue over the nature of truth and faith. Many who read and comment add their own voices to this never-ending discussion.
But, just like with the blog I had before, silence is the symptom of other villains: distractions, apathy, busyness. When I wrote my first entry, back in July, I had so much to get out. The shock of not just admitting how little faith in the Christian God I had left, but mostly that I wasn't going to grovel and apologize and try to gain it back, but instead, listen to that doubting voice that told me to try leaving that faith for a while. Then came the very slow and frightening process of coming clean to my closest Christian friends and, eventually, family. There was also the Intentional Church Hopping Experiment. Plenty to type about. But, my ICHE ended in December (okay... didn't completely finish it- I missed my 4 square experience), all of my closest friends and family knew where I stood and we came to understand the way our relationships could still be harmonious, and I became much less freaked out by my uncertainty. That drive to know and discover and right my complicated religion status was replaced with complacency.
Well, it's time to return to my journey! I will not feel secure until I have reason to believe in whatever religion or philosophy I end up believing in. I know that not everyone feels the need to stare down the age-old, black-hole deep questions of truth, but when you grow up certain of something, then that certainty dwindles until there's so little left, you realize it's morphed into doubt, you have to find something that you can be truly certain of. It's not difficult to abandon the questions- they are, after all, exhaustive and require much research, thought, and heart, but I shouldn't. So, I am committing to blogging at least once a week again (Sundays will be my definite blogging days, and there may be some bonus posts thrown in when I have something to say), forcing myself to work at finding that elusive truth. I guess it's one of my New Year's resolutions... I know one reader who will definitely hold me to it :)
