Coming Out

When I decided that I wanted to commit a solid amount of time to studying religion from an outsider's point of view (because you can't really look at the components of different beliefs if you feel the need to make the truth be your truth), I didn't think I needed to tell many people. Why bother them with my beliefs, especially while I'm in an intentional questioning stage? I haven't even landed on anything yet.

But, when you go from helping in Sunday School classes, hosting weekly Bible studies, and being the token good church girl at work to no longer believing in anything, people notice.

It seems like I've been having to explain to people a lot lately where I'm at, and I'm finding their reactions to be diverse and sometimes surprising.

(Whoa- just realized that today is National Coming out Day! I titled the post before I realized this, I swear!)

There's J__, someone I work with who has always jokingly picked on me for being a Christian (he's atheist). In the past, I've taken his comments like a champ, knowing (or hoping) that what I knew he would one day find true and not putting forth much effort to fight back. When he did it a week ago, I couldn't take it and said, "Actually, that no longer applies. I'm kind of going through an agnostic phase." (I think adding the word phase makes it sound less definitive, but it also makes it sound like I'm going to bounce out of it any day now). He looked at me skeptically and that was the end of that. A few days later, he asked me how long I thought I'd be agnostic and I told him as long as it took to figure something out, and that if I didn't think there was enough out there to figure anything out, then it would be a long term thing.

There's S___, my missionary friend. She obviously took what I had to say very seriously. She was surprised, but said without hesitation and with utmost belief, she said she knew that if I kept at the search and didn't do it "halfway," I'd end up back at Jesus. I've always craved that kind of faith. But she's right. A Bible verse that in many ways affirms what I'm doing is Jeremiah 29:13-14:
¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
If God is true and I really have an open mind, he will not melt under the flame of scrutiny. He will get me out of the exile of doubt and bring me back to him, if he's not made up, if he's actually the Christian God, if he's really the way the Bible says he is.

There's P___, someone else I work with. He says he is spiritual, but not at all religious. When I told him, he said, "Well to be honest I was kind of worried about you. I mean, you're young and hot and you need to live life up!" Ha. Not planning on doing anything terribly pagan quite yet (haha- "yet"), no need to worry. But P___ definitely has a point. If what I've been carrying my cross for for years isn't worth all of this work (if it's not real), then I don't want to waste another minute of my life on it. Life is too short to give yourself to an imaginary cause.

There's J___, someone I used to work with. She believes in a God, but has beef with organized religion (if you're reading, please correct me on any of this). I sent her a link to this blog after going to a church she had a bit of a history with. I met with her yesterday and she said reading this made her sad for me. I think she meant that anytime someone loses their religion, they are kissing a huge part of themselves and their past away. It means reevaluating your politics, your morals (which things stay and which things go?), your reasoning skills, and what others tell you. Hopefully, the things I will let go of in this process (be it faith or doubt) will make my spirit lighter and more free, more sure of what I really believe to be true.

There's J___ (wow, there are a lot of people out there with names that start with J!), a 60-something year old cook at the restaurant I work at with whom I have the funniest, faux-parental relationship. I did not want to tell him! He thinks the world of me and sees no wrong. But someone I work with jokingly said, "You've renounced Jesus [obviously I never put it that way and don't see it that way!] and you're still doing fine? Shouldn't you be struck down by lightening or something?" and J___ overheard. He said, "Wait a minute, what's he talking about?" Then, after a deep sigh and a nervous smile, I told J___ what was going on. He looked worried and just encouraged me to stay true to myself and my ethics.

There's T___, the gay Jew I work with. (Have you gathered that I work with some pretty interesting people?) He's the one who made the lightening joke and outted me in front of my work dad. Over drinks, he told me that this was really surprising him and that it was hard for him to see me as anyone but a very Christian girl. No longer fitting in the box I've made for myself is kind of strange.

What I love the most about being vocal with where I'm at is the spirituality stories that follow. The unlabeled testimonies. Suddenly, they're voicing what they believe and why- telling stories of middle school crises of faith, reliving conversations with clergy, and spreading their gospel. I no longer listen strategically, thinking of ways to combat their qualms with religion or feeling sad when I hear that they've rejected all dogma. I can now just listen and respect what they've come to, especially when it's thought out, when you know they had to wrestle a little to get there. When all of this research and thinking is said and done ("done!" Never will I think ever again...), I think I'll have a pretty good testimony myself.

1st Lutheran Pastor's Response!

I really appreciate the pastor at the Lutheran church for getting back to me so quickly and with such a thoughtful response. Again, the questions I'm asking the leaders of these churches when I email them are 1. about how they came to believe in God and why they keep believing in him daily and 2. about why they lead and worship in that particular church/ denomination. In my email to this pastor, I also told him that I enjoyed a part of the sermon in which he described the process of going out to eat. He even made a quick comment on tipping, saying "at least I hope you leave at least a 15 or 20% tip." Christians are notorious for bad tipping in the restaurant business! (Oh, I work as a part time server)

So, here it is:

"I'm glad that you emailed me, and that you found your worship time with us to be meaningful. I guess it was just fortuitous (or perhaps Spirit led) that some of the sermon resonated with you, especially the server part. As someone who has bused tables, washed dishes, and even cooked food (Colonel Sanders friend chicken in high school), I have a special fondness for those who work in food preparation and distribution.

I was blessed to be raised in a Lutheran/Christian home by a father who was very faithful and dedicated to Christ and the church, and a mother whose faith was not quite as strong. I enjoyed attending church services and found a home in our youth group. Early on (7th grade), I started to think about becoming a minster, and my parents and home pastor encouraged me in that direction. By the time I was in high school, I was taking language classes which would help me as I started college prep for the ordained ministry. Four years of college and four more years of seminary led to my ordination at Immanuel Lutheran Church in L____ in 1974.

Like many Christians, I have had my share of "ups and downs" in faith throughout the years. The deaths of my parents threw me for a loop, but also made me hang on more tightly to the resurrection promises of Jesus. My faith was challenged, but also comforted, by a stronger commitment to proclaim the resurrection. That's why I always end the communion meal with a blessing which speaks about the new life or resurrected life which is ours through our faith in Christ. I have had health issues to deal with for many decades. The past two years, my wife, K___, (First's Director of Education and Youth) has gone through cancer treatments and a stem cell transplant for non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Events like these have made me rely more and more on the grace of God to help me through troubled times and trials, remembering, as Jesus' promised, that he would always be with me, whatever it is I am going through.

What I value about my Lutheran/Christian faith and identity is its emphasis on the Word of God, the Scriptures, as a wonderful (though sometimes perplexing) expression of God's love and forgiveness for me. Lutherans emphasize God's grace (as I described it last night in our new member class - G.R.A.C.E. God's Riches At Christ's Expense). God's overwhelming love showered upon me, when I don't deserve it. God granting me the gift of eternity, not because of anything I have accomplished, but because of what Jesus has accomplished for me. Lutherans emphasize faith in Christ Jesus, and I deeply appreciate that.

I also appreciate the Lutheran approach to worship, with its structured liturgy which emphasizes the preaching of the Word and the sharing of the Meal (communion). And, of course, I love the music of the hymns we sing. Martin Luther said that singing hymns was like praying, and I agree. I enjoy the rich hymnody we have, because the music and the words of hymns and songs elicit strong feelings within me which nourish my faith -- challenging me where I need to change or improve, comforting me where I need to be encouraged, and commissioning me to share my faith with others.

I could probably say a lot more, but this may be more than you really wanted!! Anyway, I do hope to see you again in worship here. I will pray that God leads you to a congregation where you can grow in your faith and where you can serve Christ and his people with the gifts and talents God has given you.

Peace and love in Christ,

Pastor L___

PS Two weeks ago (September 26), instead of preaching a sermon I shared with the congregation something called "Narrative Communion Liturgy" which explained Lutheran worship. If you would like to have a copy of that to read (it's about 7 type written pages), just email me your address and I will mail you a copy to peruse."

*****

With all due respect to a man that I believe really is very Biblical and kind, what do you think of his story? I have to admire his faith and commitment to God, throughout his ups and downs, as he said. But does it point to the existence of a God or more to a faithful man who has found comfort in belief? Let's dialogue here.

Unitarian Universalist- Part 1

This Sunday, I went to a UU church in my community with a couple of friends of mine. One attends semi-regularly, but the other had not been since she was about ten, when she came for some community theater camp housed at the church. As we walked into the sanctuary, she looked up at the wooden beams over our heads and said to me, "When I was little, those seemed to be at least ten feet high! They were huge! Now, they seem pretty normal." I agreed with what she was getting at and said something like "It's weird going back to a place we haven't been since we were small. Our perspective is so much different that what we see hardly seems to match our memories."

That is exactly how I felt on Sunday.

See, technically, this was my second visit to a UU church. I went to one nine years ago when I was spending the summer in Maine with some of my favorite relatives, who have never fit my definition of Christian, though they are wonderful people. Just like my friend, I had memories of the UU church. Just like her, I've changed. The church, maybe not so much, but my perpective, absolutely.

I'm going to invite you in to my fourteen year old self's perspective... via a journal entry of this visit. Don't judge me. I'll return tomorrow with an entry from my present self about yesterday's visit. I will say that the view has changed considerably.

"Then, at 6:00, we piled in the truck and headed for night church!
*
WAIT!
*
Ok, when Gma, Aunt B___, and I found out about the M____s going 2 church [It's killing me to type this the way I wrote it- abbreviations, spelling errors, and all!], we were So happy! But, keep listening...
*
On the way to 'church,' Ba___ looked @ me and asked, 'Now Tricia [that's my name], have you ever been to a UU church?'
'No.'
'OK, well it's a Unitarian Univeral Church. We used to meet in the Belfast library, but we now meet in a new building.'
'Ok...'
'Tonight, the subject is art. It's only a half hour long and then there's a potluck.'

So, I figured that's cool. A nice summer service, right?

Well, we got there and there's like 18 people (max) sitting in a church (with reg. chairs) listening to 'What a Wonderful World!' That wasn't bad. Then this short haired lady started talking about different forms of art. She talked about how God worked through her and made her draw/paint what she drawed/painted [did I seriously just use the 'word' drawed?!?!!]. I know it doesn't sound that wierd but it was almost like one of those poetry reading things! They didn't say any scriptures or even use the bible or talk about Jesus! And when they sang songs, nobody played the piano, just a lady playing a RECORDER! Not flute, recorder! [Okay, that is lame...] I felt bad the whole time because I was really hoping they would draw near to God! I'll try 2 help them with that! Oh, and @ the potluck, there was NO meat! They had marinated tofu, salad, pasta, rice, but NO MEAT. They all looked kinda funny (I know that's judgmental), but they looked like the meditating, artist, vegetarian type! I TOTALLY didn't see how 2 Lawyers and their kids [my relatives I went with] fit in!"

That's me almost ten years ago. Tune in next time to hear my thoughts now.

ps. Today, I was working in a school and saw a 4th grader whip out a journal. I asked her about it and encouraged her to continue to write in it often. I said, "you'll really love reading it when you're older." I had this entry in mind...

Why now?

I said in my first posting that I have, over the last 4 years, been on a roller coaster of faith and doubt. It's not like this summer was the first time I thought "What if it's not real?" So what is it about this time that has kept me from running back to my Bible and asking God for forgiveness (that's how the other bouts ended)? And what is it that triggered this period?

Well, I think it all started with being in Europe this summer. Of course I brought my Bible and journal, the two things that I needed whenever I had a "quiet time," but having quiet times when staying in hostels is even harder than having regular quiet times usually is. I don't want to blame my drifting from faith on my not reading my Bible (that implies that there is power in the Bible), but I will say that the two factors (less Bible reading and less believing) had a positive correlation. More than that, I believe, was meeting people in this godless area who were so kind and fun, other hostelers who were living their lives. I met so many people who most likely were not Christians, yet they seemed like intelligent, reasonable, loving people. There were even a few guys who I would have been tempted to like if I would have been allowed (Christians are not supposed to develop crushes on non-Christians- more on this point in a little bit). Anyway, in the Christian mindset, there's this awful us vs. them feeling, like all people are are zeros (unbelievers) and ones (believers). The conviction that if I wasn't shedding goodness and the gospel on these people, I shouldn't have been hanging out with them faded fast. I liked meeting these like-minded but non-christian people. I respected them and took them for what they were. I've since enjoyed doing the same thing with non-christians here.

By the very end of my Eurotrip, I was in close proximity to someone from home who is a devout Christian (I don't want to get into names in case people I know one day read this). We were staying with hosts who I don't believe consider themselves religious. Of course every person is different and personalities, individual ailments, education, and backgrounds affect all of us, but the behavior of the person I know from home contrasted against the behavior of our hosts was astounding. The Christian was being very selfish, lethargic, and ungrateful. All he wanted to do was stay inside his room and read the Bible and pray, even though he'd flown all the way to Europe! The hosts were baffled by this. I wanted to cease the day and enjoy my last few days in Europe. I wondered if religion had affected him adversely, like a drug he needed to survive. If a deep belief in God and a certainty that daily Bible reading, meditation, and solitary prayer is vital in keeping going does that to people (what I've just described), I decided that I didn't want a part of it. I was so much more impressed with the non-christians and their natural warmth than I was with him. I wanted to live my life experiencing thing of this world- things I can see, taste, and contribute to right here, not sacrificing everything for something I can't see the way this man was. Unless, of course, I was convinced that the thing I couldn't see really was true.

Getting back to the guy topic, I'm a 23 year old girl who has never been in a serious relationship. It's partly because of the last few years of doubts that I haven't. I didn't want to date a solid Christian man (not like they were easy to find, however) knowing that I didn't have my relationship with God down. I wanted to wait until my love for Jesus was perfect, so that the boy would not became my idol. I also wanted the guy to be a very serious Christian. God was my main focus, He was what I wanted to give all of myself to, so naturally, before I was willing to even consider myself dating someone, I had to be sure that that someone believed fully in God and loved Him too. Although I've not been ready to date for the last few years, many, many people I know have not only dated, but have gotten married. It's much more common in Christian society for people to marry young than it is in the rest of society, because of the fact that the beloveds are at least aiming at saving sex for marriage. Why endure painful years of celibate dating when you could just marry young? Anyway, as I began by saying, I'm now 23. I'm not really thinking that I will be dating seriously for about 4 or 5 more years, because of career and travel plans. If I returned to the Christian dating world at the age of 28, I have a serious concern that all that would be left in the dating pool would be the leftovers. That sounds insane, but I'm dead serious. Christians get married young, and if you find a Christian who's approaching 30 and is still not married, there's often a reason. If I'm willing to risk lifelong singleness and celibacy, I had better believe strongly in God. This is something that made me want to evaluate the logic of my faith.

One thing that has kept my agnostic period going is the comfort and freedom I've found in not believing. If God really is supposed to give a supreme Joy to those who believe in and love Him, why do I feel so good right now? Why hasn't not believing put me in a funk? I realized this morning that I haven't read my Bible since sometime in early June. I haven't prayed anything other than an occasional "If you're real, please, please show me" since about then too. I haven't been to my church in 5 weeks. I haven't been to my old Bible study since May. This is definitely the longest I've ever been without the "living water," but, unlike other periods of doubt, I don't feel at all parched. I feel more secure than I have in a very long time and excited about this period of learning, taking in, and questioning everything. Although reexamining everything you've thought to be true for your whole life isn't a bed of roses, and I'm not looking forward to "coming out" about my current state of unbelief in anything to my friends and family (kind of hoping I will be settled on what I believe before I have to do that), right now, I feel very good. People have commented on a change they've seen: "You seem so confident lately!" "You've been very with-it!" These kinds of statements confirm what I've thought to be true: that being religion-free, at least right now, is a great thing for me.

I know that these aren't exactly questions about Christianity and the Bible, but moreso personal triggers. I can get into my qualms with Christianity later, but I just wanted to write about what set this period off and how it's going. I really need to work more diligently at finding the truth because, to be honest, I've just enjoyed not feeling guilty about wasting time. Not feeling like I need to spend every minute praying, reading something theological, or trying to shine the light of Christ on my non-christian friends. I've loved not feeling all that pressure, so I've just been having fun... watching TONS of curb your enthusiasm (and not feeling bad about all of the cussing and sexual references), reading secular literature, listening to new music, hanging out with friends (both the zeroes and the ones).... Anyway, I will get back to reading books on Christian apologetics, atheism, and other religions so that I can move from unbelief to belief in something or nothing. I don't like hiding this part of my life from my closest Christian friends and I'm looking forward to being honest with them. First, I just want to have a better idea of where I'm going to land.

Thanks for reading, Teresa :)

Father's response

Yay! I got a response to the email I sent to the Catholic Priest. I asked him for a personal testimony: both why he is Christian and why Catholic...

"Thanks for your email. I'm glad that you came to visit our parish. We gather on Sunday, the day of Jesus' resurrection from the dead, to worship God and give thanks to God.

I became a Christian through baptism as a baby. As Catholic Christians we emphasize that it is God who first chooses us. St. John says that it is not we who first love God but God who first loves us. St. Peter tells us "baptism saves you now." (1 Pet 3:20) Through the waters of baptism our sin is washed away and we are born again into God's family. Jesus tells us you must be born again by water and Holy Spirit to enter the Kingdom of Heaven (John 3)

God then wants our response to the gift of salvation given to us in baptism. Through prayer, the sacramental life, and works of charity we cooperate with God's grace and allow it to bear fruit in our lives.

Faith is a gift - it is like a muscle. The more we practice and exercise it the stronger it will grow. I take time each day to pray - to enter into conversation with God. I offer each day up to God and ask for his guidance and blessings on my day.

Why Catholicism? We can trace our roots back to Christ himself. The bishops of the Catholic Church can trace apostolic succession (the laying on of hands) back to the apostles of Jesus. Another big reason I'm Catholic is the Eucharist or Holy Communion. Jesus says, "My flesh is real food and my blood is true drink." (John 6) As Catholics we can accept Christ into our lives every day of the year through Holy Communion at Mass. We have a living encounter with our Savior.

I forwarded your e-mail also to Fr. Shawn who is the other priest at our parish. Either one of us will be happy to meet with you. We also offer classes on Wednesday night from 7 - 8:30 pm on the Catholic Faith. They begin Sept. 8th. You are welcome to come simply as an inquirer to learn more about what we believe as Catholics.

Thank you for being open to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I will pray for you and please don't hesitate to e-mail of call if you have questions or ever want to meet. May God bless you,

Fr. Brian"

He sounded very nice and I'm glad he took the time to reply. I'm really grateful that there are people like Fr. Brian who will respond to my questions and give me insight as to why people believe, and not just believe, but actually believe strongly enough to make a profession out of their faith.

Why he became a Christian- because his parents baptized him... so not a conscious choice. God chose Him... I know that Catholics believe much more strongly in the power of baptism than many protestants. In my upbringing, baptizing has been thought of as a way that a believer can profess her belief to others. The idea that parents choosing to sprinkle their babies with water can keep those babies from going to hell, basically doing all of the work for the babies (and since I used that word 'work,' the idea that we can do something to earn our way to heaven- something other than just believing) - well, it doesn't add up.

Why he's Catholic- because it's most like Jesus? Uh? Next point, because of the Eucharist of Communion. Okay, I can see that. If you really thought that that was communion with Jesus- his true blood and body- yeah, I could see why you'd want that more often and would go with Catholicism.

Getting back to his reasons for belief in both the religion and the denomination, is being born into a religious family really enough to make one believe in something so strongly that he would give up the chance of getting married (and it's guys we're talking about- the chance to have sex!) because of it? That's one of my biggest hang-ups about Catholicism. The fact that priests can't get their sexual needs met, which causes a disproportionately high number of them to abuse children.

Anyway, some answers from the priest. Excellent. I thought it was nice of him to invite me to learn more... but I won't be. I must move on in my sojourn.

The beginning of this journey

A little personal history, for myself or anyone who may actually discover this blog.

I was born 23 years ago into a loving Christian family. I did all of the classic things a child in a Christian family should; attend Sunday school, VBS, refrain from cussing, learn the Bible stories (to a shallow enough extent that they seem happy and sugar-coated, only to be reevaluated later on with curiosity and slight fear of what was actually taking place in them), etc. It wasn't until I was in high school that I really had to begin making choices that backed up my beliefs- avoiding partying, committing myself to staying a virgin until marriage, attending Bible studies, and going off on mission trips. I took my faith in Jesus so seriously that I felt certain during my junior and senior year of high school that God was calling me to attend a Christian college. I ruled out secular colleges and ended up going off to a school were I would be able to dig deeper into theology and Biblical meaning, but equally as important to me, meet others who took their faith as seriously, maybe even a future husband!

All of this was extremely pleasant. I was happy to be one of the saved ones. I took deep joy in reading the Bible, discussing passages with friends of mine who shared my beliefs, and pondering how God would choose to use me to impact his kingdom. I wanted nothing more than to make an eternal impact and though I had never brought anyone else to Christ, out of fear and an aversion to the idea of approaching complete strangers all creepy style and trying to shove something as mysterious and important as the gospel down their throat, I hoped that God would work through me to bring people to Him in the future.

I really loved the college that I chose and felt like I had found my place there, however, by the end of the first semester, with the help of a chapel speaker (Shane Claiborne) who spoke on simple living, and the reality that after I graduated, I would be entering a low-paying field and it would take decades to pay off the tens of thousands of dollars I would rack up in debt, I decided that I could only afford this one year there. So much for God calling me to a Christian school. I didn't put much effort into choosing school #2, deciding to go back to my hometown and attend a college 10 minutes from my high school (not what my high school self had had in mind! But it all worked out.)

Something very important happened to me the summer after leaving my Christian college. I got a job at a beautiful, relatively high-paying arts camp in Maine. I had initially hoped to work at a Christian camp where I could be more open about my faith to the wee ones, but most of them were voluntary or very low-paying (understandably so, but I needed some scrilla). During my last few weeks at the college, I felt sure that God was sending me to this camp to shed some light on the counselors and the kids who did not know him. I felt the same way about the non-Christian college I'd be going to. I was on a spiritual high, in a Christian bubble, surrounded by people who, overall, subscribed to the same beliefs I did and didn't make me defend myself.

By my first evening at the arts camp, I realized that I was very outnumbered. Throughout the summer, I realized that there were about 3 other Christian counselors, but I considered them pretty nominal. My two co-counselors, Laura and Alex, were fantastic, fun, smart girls, but initially, I was freaked out by Laura's eyebrow ring and Alex's "fuck" and "shit" littered sentences (it's cracking me up to think of how I was back then)! I wasn't in Kansas anymore. I believe that it was the second night we all bunked together (there was a 10 day orientation before the kiddies arrives) that we laid on our beds in the dark, having a popcorn discussion the way little girls do at sleep-overs. When I told them which college I had just left and that it was Christian, there was a pause. Alex said, "So... are you really religious?" I nervously laughed and said, "Yeah, I guess I am." She replied, "Oh, well I'm not at all. I hope things are cool between us." My heart sank as I realized how difficult this spreading the gospel to others thing would be.

My summer at that camp was my first real exposure to people who didn't share my faith. Of course I'd gone to public school all my life and knew about the partying and the different lifestyle, but I'd had my little posse of Christians who made me feel safe, not like a freak or a nun. Well, here I had no community of like-minded believers and for the first time in my life, I began to see the weirdness of believing in a human that supposedly rose from the dead 2,000 years ago. I hated myself for having these doubts. They really plagued my time at the camp, which was clearly a lovely experience for everyone else working there. My struggle to hold onto my religion got in the way of me having much fun. When the counselors went out for drinks, I stayed in. When they laughed and told jokes, I suppressed giggles, when they discussed politics and religion, I remained silent, too afraid of my inability to articulate my rich beliefs- or afraid my doubts would get in the way-, to defend Jesus. By the end of my summer there, I felt like Peter who had denied Jesus countless times. I felt like Thomas, who needed to see the wounds to believe. I had stepped foot onto the campgrounds a brave soldier for God. I was leaving a soldier wounded, knowing I didn't make a bit of difference in anyone's spiritual journey, though my coworkers had greatly impacted me, for, what I believed, the worse.

The doubts that were birthed at the camp, to try to keep this from becoming a novella, ebbed and flowed throughout my college years. I would suffer from doubts greatly at one point, then months later, be on a spiritual mountaintop, only to find myself weeks later back at ground zero, wondering if my prayers for faith were even being heard, or if- to my shame of even processing this thought- there was nobody listening to my earnest prayers.

Maybe later on in this blog I'll get into individual episodes of faith boosts and relapses, but to sum things up, four years of going back and forth about what is true, I'm now beyond a doubting Christian. I am embracing my curiosity and skepticism for the gifts that they are and committing to finding the truth, be it that there is a God (Christian God or not), there isn't a God, a completely different system of belief is actually true, or that I just can't know for sure. In the past, I've kept one foot in my Christian faith and even when I've suffered doubts (I'm now not thinking suffering is the right word, but that's how it feels from a Christian perspective), I've remained faithful in praying to the Christian God for a revealing of the truth. Now I'm more in the agnostic camp. I want to look at the options objectively and openly, paying attention to the reasonableness of each belief system, the facts, the followers.

This blog will serve as a place for me to track my progress on the road toward Truth.