Why now?

I said in my first posting that I have, over the last 4 years, been on a roller coaster of faith and doubt. It's not like this summer was the first time I thought "What if it's not real?" So what is it about this time that has kept me from running back to my Bible and asking God for forgiveness (that's how the other bouts ended)? And what is it that triggered this period?

Well, I think it all started with being in Europe this summer. Of course I brought my Bible and journal, the two things that I needed whenever I had a "quiet time," but having quiet times when staying in hostels is even harder than having regular quiet times usually is. I don't want to blame my drifting from faith on my not reading my Bible (that implies that there is power in the Bible), but I will say that the two factors (less Bible reading and less believing) had a positive correlation. More than that, I believe, was meeting people in this godless area who were so kind and fun, other hostelers who were living their lives. I met so many people who most likely were not Christians, yet they seemed like intelligent, reasonable, loving people. There were even a few guys who I would have been tempted to like if I would have been allowed (Christians are not supposed to develop crushes on non-Christians- more on this point in a little bit). Anyway, in the Christian mindset, there's this awful us vs. them feeling, like all people are are zeros (unbelievers) and ones (believers). The conviction that if I wasn't shedding goodness and the gospel on these people, I shouldn't have been hanging out with them faded fast. I liked meeting these like-minded but non-christian people. I respected them and took them for what they were. I've since enjoyed doing the same thing with non-christians here.

By the very end of my Eurotrip, I was in close proximity to someone from home who is a devout Christian (I don't want to get into names in case people I know one day read this). We were staying with hosts who I don't believe consider themselves religious. Of course every person is different and personalities, individual ailments, education, and backgrounds affect all of us, but the behavior of the person I know from home contrasted against the behavior of our hosts was astounding. The Christian was being very selfish, lethargic, and ungrateful. All he wanted to do was stay inside his room and read the Bible and pray, even though he'd flown all the way to Europe! The hosts were baffled by this. I wanted to cease the day and enjoy my last few days in Europe. I wondered if religion had affected him adversely, like a drug he needed to survive. If a deep belief in God and a certainty that daily Bible reading, meditation, and solitary prayer is vital in keeping going does that to people (what I've just described), I decided that I didn't want a part of it. I was so much more impressed with the non-christians and their natural warmth than I was with him. I wanted to live my life experiencing thing of this world- things I can see, taste, and contribute to right here, not sacrificing everything for something I can't see the way this man was. Unless, of course, I was convinced that the thing I couldn't see really was true.

Getting back to the guy topic, I'm a 23 year old girl who has never been in a serious relationship. It's partly because of the last few years of doubts that I haven't. I didn't want to date a solid Christian man (not like they were easy to find, however) knowing that I didn't have my relationship with God down. I wanted to wait until my love for Jesus was perfect, so that the boy would not became my idol. I also wanted the guy to be a very serious Christian. God was my main focus, He was what I wanted to give all of myself to, so naturally, before I was willing to even consider myself dating someone, I had to be sure that that someone believed fully in God and loved Him too. Although I've not been ready to date for the last few years, many, many people I know have not only dated, but have gotten married. It's much more common in Christian society for people to marry young than it is in the rest of society, because of the fact that the beloveds are at least aiming at saving sex for marriage. Why endure painful years of celibate dating when you could just marry young? Anyway, as I began by saying, I'm now 23. I'm not really thinking that I will be dating seriously for about 4 or 5 more years, because of career and travel plans. If I returned to the Christian dating world at the age of 28, I have a serious concern that all that would be left in the dating pool would be the leftovers. That sounds insane, but I'm dead serious. Christians get married young, and if you find a Christian who's approaching 30 and is still not married, there's often a reason. If I'm willing to risk lifelong singleness and celibacy, I had better believe strongly in God. This is something that made me want to evaluate the logic of my faith.

One thing that has kept my agnostic period going is the comfort and freedom I've found in not believing. If God really is supposed to give a supreme Joy to those who believe in and love Him, why do I feel so good right now? Why hasn't not believing put me in a funk? I realized this morning that I haven't read my Bible since sometime in early June. I haven't prayed anything other than an occasional "If you're real, please, please show me" since about then too. I haven't been to my church in 5 weeks. I haven't been to my old Bible study since May. This is definitely the longest I've ever been without the "living water," but, unlike other periods of doubt, I don't feel at all parched. I feel more secure than I have in a very long time and excited about this period of learning, taking in, and questioning everything. Although reexamining everything you've thought to be true for your whole life isn't a bed of roses, and I'm not looking forward to "coming out" about my current state of unbelief in anything to my friends and family (kind of hoping I will be settled on what I believe before I have to do that), right now, I feel very good. People have commented on a change they've seen: "You seem so confident lately!" "You've been very with-it!" These kinds of statements confirm what I've thought to be true: that being religion-free, at least right now, is a great thing for me.

I know that these aren't exactly questions about Christianity and the Bible, but moreso personal triggers. I can get into my qualms with Christianity later, but I just wanted to write about what set this period off and how it's going. I really need to work more diligently at finding the truth because, to be honest, I've just enjoyed not feeling guilty about wasting time. Not feeling like I need to spend every minute praying, reading something theological, or trying to shine the light of Christ on my non-christian friends. I've loved not feeling all that pressure, so I've just been having fun... watching TONS of curb your enthusiasm (and not feeling bad about all of the cussing and sexual references), reading secular literature, listening to new music, hanging out with friends (both the zeroes and the ones).... Anyway, I will get back to reading books on Christian apologetics, atheism, and other religions so that I can move from unbelief to belief in something or nothing. I don't like hiding this part of my life from my closest Christian friends and I'm looking forward to being honest with them. First, I just want to have a better idea of where I'm going to land.

Thanks for reading, Teresa :)