Twitterpated

Hello, blog.  It has been a little while.  Since I last wrote in you, I've gained a boyfriend, the knowledge of where I'll be moving this fall, and a collection of conversations on religion and unbelief that I've been dying to share with you.

I promise that that will be the end of my personifying this website :)

Thoughts on addition number one: dating someone.  I'll admit that I never intended to be involved with someone while I was still figuring out my belief system.  I wanted to forge my way alone and not be influenced by anyone.  In addition to that "rule," another reason I didn't let myself seriously consider the possibility of dating someone was that I'm leaving my town in Kansas for the summer, working at the same camp in Maine I worked at 5 years ago, actually!  Then in September, weeks after returning to Kansas, I'm moving out of the country... More on that when I elaborate on addition number two (which I guess will have to be in the next blog post).  With being religiously confused and knowing that I'm on the cusp of a huge geographical change, one would think it would be a bad time for love.  But, I decided to, for the first time ever, not over-think dating and just allow myself to enjoy the little time I have with this guy, then evaluate things this fall before I move.  My first ever adult relationship (whoa) has been great. 

I've actually known him for five years.  I had feelings for him within a few months of meeting him at my university's Campus Crusade.  We used to hang out quite a bit, talk on the phone relatively often (much more than I talked to any other boys on the phone), and he went to the same church I did.  There were times when I thought that he liked me too, but we never acknowledged our feelings toward one another.  I eventually figured that he didn't care for me the way I cared for him, plus he started sort of drifting away from my group of friends, so a couple of years ago, I started barely ever seeing him and the feelings died down.  He had stopped coming to my church and every once in a while, my friends and I would wonder where he went.  He had mysteriously disappeared from our little community.  We became concerned for how he was doing spiritually and I assumed that he had tired of carrying his cross, had silently slipped it off, and had slowly, but purposefully, drifted from the fold.  Because I didn't think he was much of an active Christian anymore, I definitely wouldn't have been interested in dating him at that point, but still, I would see him once in a blue moon, and wonder how he felt about me.

Well, let's jump ahead a few years to February of 2011.  I had made plans with some friends to do the whole First Friday Artwalk, but was running late.  I'd gone swimming that afternoon, so I had to come home and shower.  Then, I had decided to make flat bread with dinner, which took longer than I had expected.  (I promise I'm going somewhere with this!)  Basically, I wasn't ready until about 8:30, when many of the galleries were closing.  My friends had already artwalked and were headed to someone's house to watch a Bollywood movie.  I really felt like getting out, though.  So, I did what all of you have done at some point (I presume).  I scrolled the contact list in my phone, starting with the A's, and texted hoards of friends, trying to find someone, anyone, with whom I could grab a drink.  Eventually, my efforts with the A's-I's proving fruitless, I reached the J's and texted someone who was then a friend I hadn't seen in far too long and is now my boyfriend.  He was busy that night, but said "How about next week?"  I ended up sitting my dolled up self down in front of my laptop that night and settling for a skype date with Teresa :) but, as you know, the text to Mr. J scored me a meeting with him the next weekend, which led to more hanging out, and eventually, a dating relationship.

I guess the reason I went into my history with Mr. J is because without both of our departures from church, we never would have ended up together.  His explanation of his mysterious disappearance from our Christian circle back around 2008 is that he had grown weary of Christian culture, namely, the judgmental nature of many Christians and the expectation, especially in the church we'd been going to, that you needed to be a right-wing conservative.  He was also making new friends at the university we attended.  Friends who were not religious.  Friends he really enjoyed and had many things in common with.  He reached a point where he would rather have fun with his new friends on Saturday night than get up early to attend church with friends he still liked, but had to put on a facade for, on Sunday morning.  I find his explanation for not asking me out way back in the day quite interesting.  Even though he was much more active in church and Campus Crusade at that point, he still worried that if we were dating, he would be a bad influence on my faith.  That was even at probably his spiritual peak.  Although part of me wanted to date him during that time, part of me was dealing with my doubts and knew that I needed to love God and put him first before I dated someone.  I wanted to be sure that I had my relationship with God down before I tried bringing another person into my heart.  I think my desire to perfect my belief in God before allowing myself to date is much of why I'm, at the age of 24, just now enjoying my first adult dating relationship!  That and it was seriously hard to find a good Christian guy with whom I was compatible. 

One of the many triggers of my spiral into deep doubt was the thought "It's not fair that if I meet a guy who is perfect for me in every way, but he's not a Christian, I can't be with him."  A couple of years ago, I went on a date with someone kind of like that (not really perfect for me, but compatible in many ways).  I knew when I accepted his offer that it could only be one date because he didn't share my faith, but I didn't think that by the end of the date, I'd be wishing there could be more.  That I'd be seeing my faith in God as a problem, something preventing me from what could be a blissful relationship. 

Now, I'm seeing Christianity in a completely different way than I was a year ago.  I'm seeing it as more of a religion, less as the only true religion.  Just one more factor that divides us humans, like race, political affiliation, and class.  I'm glad that both J and I have kind of removed the faiths we were donning when we first met and are finally getting to enjoy one another as more than friends, unencumbered by any concerns about idolatry or whether or not we're remaining pure enough.  I did not separate myself from Christianity so that I'd be able to date whomever I wanted, but since making that decision, I have noticed how nice it is to just see people as people.  To not feel the need to sort them into the categories "believers" or "nonbelievers".  With boys, there was the constant sorting, putting them into a "Yes, that would be allowed" or the "Nope, off limits" categories.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  If you are in love with Jesus and you see him as the most important thing about you, of course you wouldn't want to love someone who didn't believe in him.  I just think it's nice now to be on the side of the guys I was always more attracted to, those in the "Nope, off limits" compartment.  Not like I'm rebellious and into the archetypal bad boy- not at all.  I just always found the freethinkers, scholars, and skeptics more interesting.  Now, I get to have one for my very own :)  If I were still forcing myself to adhere to the theology and rules of Christianity, not a chance we'd be together today.  We both just had to leave that behind first.  Funny, under different circumstances, I'd call our serendipitous reunion and long-awaited romantic involvement a God thing...