I didn't make it to the Episcopalian church on Sunday! I was running a little bit late. I actually went back to my old church, where everyone was very happy to see me. I think I'm worrying people by not going to a church that they think they know is theologically sound. I guess my mom had told someone in her adult sunday school class that I would be going to the Episcopal church, someone who used to go to it herself. When I ran into this woman, she said, "Oh you didn't go! Good!" and told me that it was a lot "different" in that tone that suggests different is a bad thing. She then asked about what I'm doing and I explained that I'm just visiting a different church every week to get an overall view of the church. She nodded and looked intrigued, the way most people do, but there was also a hint of anxiety in her eyes, like she wanted to tell me to be careful.
How could education be a bad thing? How could curiosity be a vice?
Anyway, I'm going to push Episcopalian back several weeks. I already have Church of God of Prophecy in my planner for the 19th. I'll report on that sometime next week.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Prayer
As nice as it is to not feel like I need to pray every spare moment, a cross I have carried for the past few years, I have realized that I kind of miss prayer. I think it's a very natural thing to want somebody to talk to. We all have quiet moments where we feel the need to thank somebody, and frantic moments when we need to ask for help.
Today, I enjoyed my lunch break outside at a local park. I sat on the empty bleachers overlooking a baseball field where nothing was happening but mowing. It was gorgeous outside and I stretched my bare shins onto the seats in front of me, hoping they would get some end of the summer sun. As I ate my peanut butter and jelly in peace, I wanted to thank somebody for that moment.
Instead of directing my gratefulness toward a certain divinity, I just looked at what I had to be thankful for and sighed with contentment. It may not feel as certain as addressing the Thank-You note to God and IMing it felt, but it doesn't make what I am happy for any less good. I think acknowledging your feelings, whether joyful and wanting to praise or fearful and looking for aid, is a big part of what makes prayer "work"- or what makes us feel better after we pray. Reflecting, meditating, focusing on the positive- haven't self-help books been praising these practices for years?
And I, a certain Christian, scoffed at those words and took comfort in the fact that my prayers weren't just staying inside my mind, but were actually being heard... now, not so sure.
Today, I enjoyed my lunch break outside at a local park. I sat on the empty bleachers overlooking a baseball field where nothing was happening but mowing. It was gorgeous outside and I stretched my bare shins onto the seats in front of me, hoping they would get some end of the summer sun. As I ate my peanut butter and jelly in peace, I wanted to thank somebody for that moment.
Instead of directing my gratefulness toward a certain divinity, I just looked at what I had to be thankful for and sighed with contentment. It may not feel as certain as addressing the Thank-You note to God and IMing it felt, but it doesn't make what I am happy for any less good. I think acknowledging your feelings, whether joyful and wanting to praise or fearful and looking for aid, is a big part of what makes prayer "work"- or what makes us feel better after we pray. Reflecting, meditating, focusing on the positive- haven't self-help books been praising these practices for years?
And I, a certain Christian, scoffed at those words and took comfort in the fact that my prayers weren't just staying inside my mind, but were actually being heard... now, not so sure.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
What if...
As skeptical as I may sound sometimes in these post, I haven't made up my mind at all about where I stand. Today at work, I was mentally drifting off to the land of "What if" and I came to this question: If I found out that Christianity was bogus, how would I spend my Sunday mornings?
Well one thing that anyone is able to benefit from in church is the sense of community. I love the group of friends I have at my church. I would definitely miss them. But that community of like-minded people could be gained elsewhere... Another thing that's great about church is the fact that you choose to go there (well, unless you're under the age of 18 and your parents make you) because you are interested in religion. So a church alternative could be something I chose based off of an interest in it. That sentence was awkward, but I'm tired. Lastly, church, to me, felt life-giving. I was participating in something that made me happy. A church alternative should be something that's not just level one fun, but level ten. You know? Something that gives me joy, maybe helps me connect with nature. Oh dear, maybe I'll become Wiccan ;)
Ideas that incorporate community, interests, and likability:
It will be a while before I partake (if I partake!) in any of those activities because first I need to figure out what makes the most sense. I would also need to gain the guts to tell my parents (did I mention I live at home with two very Christian parents who've always seen me as very true to the Faith?) why I wasn't getting prettied up each Sunday morning. And friends... The idea scares me. But if it comes to that, I guess I have some comfort in the thought of discussing Beatrice and Virgil over a cup of joe instead of going along with something I don't really believe like some phony.
Other Sunday morning suggestions?
Well one thing that anyone is able to benefit from in church is the sense of community. I love the group of friends I have at my church. I would definitely miss them. But that community of like-minded people could be gained elsewhere... Another thing that's great about church is the fact that you choose to go there (well, unless you're under the age of 18 and your parents make you) because you are interested in religion. So a church alternative could be something I chose based off of an interest in it. That sentence was awkward, but I'm tired. Lastly, church, to me, felt life-giving. I was participating in something that made me happy. A church alternative should be something that's not just level one fun, but level ten. You know? Something that gives me joy, maybe helps me connect with nature. Oh dear, maybe I'll become Wiccan ;)
Ideas that incorporate community, interests, and likability:
- Sunday morning book club
- Sunday morning bike trips
- Coffee shop chat time with friends (it'd have to be other churchless friends)
- Brunch club (I think I keep calling these groups clubs because that makes it sound like it will be a regular thing and that there will be others involved.)
- Spanish club :)
It will be a while before I partake (if I partake!) in any of those activities because first I need to figure out what makes the most sense. I would also need to gain the guts to tell my parents (did I mention I live at home with two very Christian parents who've always seen me as very true to the Faith?) why I wasn't getting prettied up each Sunday morning. And friends... The idea scares me. But if it comes to that, I guess I have some comfort in the thought of discussing Beatrice and Virgil over a cup of joe instead of going along with something I don't really believe like some phony.
Other Sunday morning suggestions?
Antioch Missionary Baptist Church
Whoa! A little late on the posting... my best friend got married this week, so there's my excuse.
Last Sunday was a blast! Before the service when I was getting ready, I was getting a little nervous. You see, Antioch is a black church. Of course, it's not like the bulletin or the website says anything to indicate that, and obviously anyone who wants to come can come, but Antioch is one of the many, many churches that reflect the nature of Sunday morning segregation, just not from a side I'm not as used to...
In spite of my nerves, I drove my white self wearing my white dress in my little white car (haha- unintentional) to the north-eastern lower income neighborhood in my city that houses Antioch. From the minute I walked in, I was heartily greeted by several people. A woman who worked for the church set me up with a bag of church goodies and had my filling out a card (which I don't like to do, but she really didn't give me a choice!) and asked about me. She was very friendly.
Oh man! At the beginning of the service, the pastor welcomed visitors and asked us all to stand up. I thought "Oh noooo! Really? Really?" and reluctantly stood, but was so happily surprised by what came next. Suddenly, after a piano's 5 note cue, the entire congregation burst out in a gospel-style welcome song. It was perfect. There was so much rhythm in that song that I felt like dancing, but I thought that would make me feel even more white.
Last summer, I worked at a Children's Defense Fund Freedom School , which is pretty Afro-Centric. At the national training all the employees went to before the freedom school began, I was one of about 40 white people in a group of 2,000 trainees. Being a minority is not new to me. Anyway, I worked with a lot of adults and children who attended Antioch, so I expected to see some at the service. I did recognize a few, but not as many as I hoped I would see.
A little bit more about working with black Christians at Freedom School... I observed that the black church (as a generalization) puts more of an emphasis on social justice, poverty alleviation, universal health care than individual purity and piety. It seemed to me that my church focused more on saving people's souls than their earthly selves, while the black churches focused more on the opposite (but still both). Ooooh Wikipedia confirms: "When compared to American churches as a whole, black churches tend to focus more on social issues such as poverty, gang violence, drug use, prison ministries and racism. A study found that black Christians were more likely to have heard about health care reform from their pastors than were white Christians." I didn't hear much about needing to have quiet times daily or maintain a personal relationship with Jesus, but I had no doubt that my coworkers believed in God. They sprinkled his name in conversation unashamedly, but sometimes their lives didn't reflect what I had been taught about good Christians. Like I said, that is just my experience with black Christians and of course every individual is different. There are so many things both groups need to learn from each other. By the way, I love people of every ethnicity! Hope you can tell. Geez, why does discussing race make people so nervous?
Onto the service... praise and worship + greetings + communion= an hour! I'm used to an hour and 15 minute long church services, so I got a little worried when I realized an hour had gone by and we hadn't even started the sermon. But, I'm happy to say, the singing was super fun! Very stereotypical black church- choir dressed in nice black and white clothes (in fact, let me take this opportunity to say that, yes, everyone was dressed up- moreso than in other churches I've been to! I did see a few great hats!), amazing 6 part harmonies, clapping, swaying, lots of hallelujahs and amens. I would return to this church for the singing and the people.
The taking of the offering was, uh, different. First of all, I was handed collection envelopes before the service by two different people (I don't like the idea of visitors having to tithe... ). Secondly, there were really overt things about giving stated before the offering was taken, such as "I don't know why we think it's okay to put so much money into our flat screens and cars, but not give to church" and the choir singing a spirited song called "Blessings Running Over" containing the lyric: If you give to the Lord, He will give you more. Now I've seen this pastor outside of church. He drives a NICE,new car. He wears plenty of bling. Nice clothes. The way he pushes giving, I just don't know where his motives lie.
Once it was time for the offering to be collected, ushers didn't come to us; we came to them! When suit-laden ushers stood by a row, the people in that row had to procession on out of their pew and up to the front of the church where the offerings were being collected. I couldn't believe how much pressure this put on members (and visitors!) to give!! Everyone watching. Everyone having to go up to that collection plate. Wow! When it came my row's turn to give, I had no choice but to quickly grab one of my empty envelopes, walk to the front, shake 5 guys' hands (I forgot to mention that part), then put my $0 contribution in the plate. I didn't feel good about the sneakiness, but I was not about to go up there empty-handed.
Communion was also noteworthy, just because of the fact that these crazy all-in-one communion cups were used. The top layer of pink celophaney paper read: And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." - Luke 22:19. Once you peeled that off, there was a thin wafer. Under the wafer, another piece of wrap paper, then the grape juice. Though these fun-size eucharist samplers seemed blatantly cheesy to me, the pastor took them very seriously; blessing them before they were passed out behind the cover of a held-up white sheet. I think a Catholic would have had a coronary.
The sermon was on Isaiah 53:5, or "the suffering servant" and it was actually given by a guest preacher. "If we're going to be like Him, we must be willing to suffer." "He was bruised for our iniquities. He didn't have non of his own." The material wasn't new, but I did think about the nature of suffering in a Christian perspective- or maybe outside a Christian perspective. I like, right now, not feeling like I need to suffer. I remember reading passages on suffering and feeling guilty for being too liked by my non-Christian friends, guilty for being too wealthy in comparison to people in poorer parts of the world, guilty for not being persecuted. It is comforting to believe in a savior who suffered, especially for people who are going through suffering and can give him their burdens. But to feel like you need to suffer? Especially if it's for nothing? But Christians feel it's worth what Jesus did for us, and if it's true that he did save us and whatnot, then, yes, it would be worth it. "He took our whooping- the whooping we deserved. He took it for us."
Lastly, the thing that I HAVE to report on! This guest pastor, on a couple of occasions, went from talking (preaching) to singing... seamlessly. It so reminded me of the recurring SNL skit "What Up With That?" when the host of this show tries to talk and carry on with the show, but just can't help but break out into improvised song... Seriously, seriously made me laugh to myself because it was so much like that!
Two hours after arriving, I was exiting the aisle, saying goodbye to the nice people I met when the guest pastor came quickly towards me, embraced me in a full on hug, and said, "Hi sweetie!! So glad you could join us! See you next week?" Haha! I would, just for the music and the good atmosphere. But "next week" - or tomorrow- I'm going Episcopalian. Tune in for the next installment.
Good Antioch quote to end on: "With this material, I could be very lengthy... but you can help me along with your Amens!"
Last Sunday was a blast! Before the service when I was getting ready, I was getting a little nervous. You see, Antioch is a black church. Of course, it's not like the bulletin or the website says anything to indicate that, and obviously anyone who wants to come can come, but Antioch is one of the many, many churches that reflect the nature of Sunday morning segregation, just not from a side I'm not as used to...
In spite of my nerves, I drove my white self wearing my white dress in my little white car (haha- unintentional) to the north-eastern lower income neighborhood in my city that houses Antioch. From the minute I walked in, I was heartily greeted by several people. A woman who worked for the church set me up with a bag of church goodies and had my filling out a card (which I don't like to do, but she really didn't give me a choice!) and asked about me. She was very friendly.
Oh man! At the beginning of the service, the pastor welcomed visitors and asked us all to stand up. I thought "Oh noooo! Really? Really?" and reluctantly stood, but was so happily surprised by what came next. Suddenly, after a piano's 5 note cue, the entire congregation burst out in a gospel-style welcome song. It was perfect. There was so much rhythm in that song that I felt like dancing, but I thought that would make me feel even more white.
Last summer, I worked at a Children's Defense Fund Freedom School , which is pretty Afro-Centric. At the national training all the employees went to before the freedom school began, I was one of about 40 white people in a group of 2,000 trainees. Being a minority is not new to me. Anyway, I worked with a lot of adults and children who attended Antioch, so I expected to see some at the service. I did recognize a few, but not as many as I hoped I would see.
A little bit more about working with black Christians at Freedom School... I observed that the black church (as a generalization) puts more of an emphasis on social justice, poverty alleviation, universal health care than individual purity and piety. It seemed to me that my church focused more on saving people's souls than their earthly selves, while the black churches focused more on the opposite (but still both). Ooooh Wikipedia confirms: "When compared to American churches as a whole, black churches tend to focus more on social issues such as poverty, gang violence, drug use, prison ministries and racism. A study found that black Christians were more likely to have heard about health care reform from their pastors than were white Christians." I didn't hear much about needing to have quiet times daily or maintain a personal relationship with Jesus, but I had no doubt that my coworkers believed in God. They sprinkled his name in conversation unashamedly, but sometimes their lives didn't reflect what I had been taught about good Christians. Like I said, that is just my experience with black Christians and of course every individual is different. There are so many things both groups need to learn from each other. By the way, I love people of every ethnicity! Hope you can tell. Geez, why does discussing race make people so nervous?
Onto the service... praise and worship + greetings + communion= an hour! I'm used to an hour and 15 minute long church services, so I got a little worried when I realized an hour had gone by and we hadn't even started the sermon. But, I'm happy to say, the singing was super fun! Very stereotypical black church- choir dressed in nice black and white clothes (in fact, let me take this opportunity to say that, yes, everyone was dressed up- moreso than in other churches I've been to! I did see a few great hats!), amazing 6 part harmonies, clapping, swaying, lots of hallelujahs and amens. I would return to this church for the singing and the people.
The taking of the offering was, uh, different. First of all, I was handed collection envelopes before the service by two different people (I don't like the idea of visitors having to tithe... ). Secondly, there were really overt things about giving stated before the offering was taken, such as "I don't know why we think it's okay to put so much money into our flat screens and cars, but not give to church" and the choir singing a spirited song called "Blessings Running Over" containing the lyric: If you give to the Lord, He will give you more. Now I've seen this pastor outside of church. He drives a NICE,new car. He wears plenty of bling. Nice clothes. The way he pushes giving, I just don't know where his motives lie.
Once it was time for the offering to be collected, ushers didn't come to us; we came to them! When suit-laden ushers stood by a row, the people in that row had to procession on out of their pew and up to the front of the church where the offerings were being collected. I couldn't believe how much pressure this put on members (and visitors!) to give!! Everyone watching. Everyone having to go up to that collection plate. Wow! When it came my row's turn to give, I had no choice but to quickly grab one of my empty envelopes, walk to the front, shake 5 guys' hands (I forgot to mention that part), then put my $0 contribution in the plate. I didn't feel good about the sneakiness, but I was not about to go up there empty-handed.
Communion was also noteworthy, just because of the fact that these crazy all-in-one communion cups were used. The top layer of pink celophaney paper read: And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." - Luke 22:19. Once you peeled that off, there was a thin wafer. Under the wafer, another piece of wrap paper, then the grape juice. Though these fun-size eucharist samplers seemed blatantly cheesy to me, the pastor took them very seriously; blessing them before they were passed out behind the cover of a held-up white sheet. I think a Catholic would have had a coronary.
The sermon was on Isaiah 53:5, or "the suffering servant" and it was actually given by a guest preacher. "If we're going to be like Him, we must be willing to suffer." "He was bruised for our iniquities. He didn't have non of his own." The material wasn't new, but I did think about the nature of suffering in a Christian perspective- or maybe outside a Christian perspective. I like, right now, not feeling like I need to suffer. I remember reading passages on suffering and feeling guilty for being too liked by my non-Christian friends, guilty for being too wealthy in comparison to people in poorer parts of the world, guilty for not being persecuted. It is comforting to believe in a savior who suffered, especially for people who are going through suffering and can give him their burdens. But to feel like you need to suffer? Especially if it's for nothing? But Christians feel it's worth what Jesus did for us, and if it's true that he did save us and whatnot, then, yes, it would be worth it. "He took our whooping- the whooping we deserved. He took it for us."Lastly, the thing that I HAVE to report on! This guest pastor, on a couple of occasions, went from talking (preaching) to singing... seamlessly. It so reminded me of the recurring SNL skit "What Up With That?" when the host of this show tries to talk and carry on with the show, but just can't help but break out into improvised song... Seriously, seriously made me laugh to myself because it was so much like that!
Two hours after arriving, I was exiting the aisle, saying goodbye to the nice people I met when the guest pastor came quickly towards me, embraced me in a full on hug, and said, "Hi sweetie!! So glad you could join us! See you next week?" Haha! I would, just for the music and the good atmosphere. But "next week" - or tomorrow- I'm going Episcopalian. Tune in for the next installment.
Good Antioch quote to end on: "With this material, I could be very lengthy... but you can help me along with your Amens!"
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Why now?
I said in my first posting that I have, over the last 4 years, been on a roller coaster of faith and doubt. It's not like this summer was the first time I thought "What if it's not real?" So what is it about this time that has kept me from running back to my Bible and asking God for forgiveness (that's how the other bouts ended)? And what is it that triggered this period?
Well, I think it all started with being in Europe this summer. Of course I brought my Bible and journal, the two things that I needed whenever I had a "quiet time," but having quiet times when staying in hostels is even harder than having regular quiet times usually is. I don't want to blame my drifting from faith on my not reading my Bible (that implies that there is power in the Bible), but I will say that the two factors (less Bible reading and less believing) had a positive correlation. More than that, I believe, was meeting people in this godless area who were so kind and fun, other hostelers who were living their lives. I met so many people who most likely were not Christians, yet they seemed like intelligent, reasonable, loving people. There were even a few guys who I would have been tempted to like if I would have been allowed (Christians are not supposed to develop crushes on non-Christians- more on this point in a little bit). Anyway, in the Christian mindset, there's this awful us vs. them feeling, like all people are are zeros (unbelievers) and ones (believers). The conviction that if I wasn't shedding goodness and the gospel on these people, I shouldn't have been hanging out with them faded fast. I liked meeting these like-minded but non-christian people. I respected them and took them for what they were. I've since enjoyed doing the same thing with non-christians here.
By the very end of my Eurotrip, I was in close proximity to someone from home who is a devout Christian (I don't want to get into names in case people I know one day read this). We were staying with hosts who I don't believe consider themselves religious. Of course every person is different and personalities, individual ailments, education, and backgrounds affect all of us, but the behavior of the person I know from home contrasted against the behavior of our hosts was astounding. The Christian was being very selfish, lethargic, and ungrateful. All he wanted to do was stay inside his room and read the Bible and pray, even though he'd flown all the way to Europe! The hosts were baffled by this. I wanted to cease the day and enjoy my last few days in Europe. I wondered if religion had affected him adversely, like a drug he needed to survive. If a deep belief in God and a certainty that daily Bible reading, meditation, and solitary prayer is vital in keeping going does that to people (what I've just described), I decided that I didn't want a part of it. I was so much more impressed with the non-christians and their natural warmth than I was with him. I wanted to live my life experiencing thing of this world- things I can see, taste, and contribute to right here, not sacrificing everything for something I can't see the way this man was. Unless, of course, I was convinced that the thing I couldn't see really was true.
Getting back to the guy topic, I'm a 23 year old girl who has never been in a serious relationship. It's partly because of the last few years of doubts that I haven't. I didn't want to date a solid Christian man (not like they were easy to find, however) knowing that I didn't have my relationship with God down. I wanted to wait until my love for Jesus was perfect, so that the boy would not became my idol. I also wanted the guy to be a very serious Christian. God was my main focus, He was what I wanted to give all of myself to, so naturally, before I was willing to even consider myself dating someone, I had to be sure that that someone believed fully in God and loved Him too. Although I've not been ready to date for the last few years, many, many people I know have not only dated, but have gotten married. It's much more common in Christian society for people to marry young than it is in the rest of society, because of the fact that the beloveds are at least aiming at saving sex for marriage. Why endure painful years of celibate dating when you could just marry young? Anyway, as I began by saying, I'm now 23. I'm not really thinking that I will be dating seriously for about 4 or 5 more years, because of career and travel plans. If I returned to the Christian dating world at the age of 28, I have a serious concern that all that would be left in the dating pool would be the leftovers. That sounds insane, but I'm dead serious. Christians get married young, and if you find a Christian who's approaching 30 and is still not married, there's often a reason. If I'm willing to risk lifelong singleness and celibacy, I had better believe strongly in God. This is something that made me want to evaluate the logic of my faith.
One thing that has kept my agnostic period going is the comfort and freedom I've found in not believing. If God really is supposed to give a supreme Joy to those who believe in and love Him, why do I feel so good right now? Why hasn't not believing put me in a funk? I realized this morning that I haven't read my Bible since sometime in early June. I haven't prayed anything other than an occasional "If you're real, please, please show me" since about then too. I haven't been to my church in 5 weeks. I haven't been to my old Bible study since May. This is definitely the longest I've ever been without the "living water," but, unlike other periods of doubt, I don't feel at all parched. I feel more secure than I have in a very long time and excited about this period of learning, taking in, and questioning everything. Although reexamining everything you've thought to be true for your whole life isn't a bed of roses, and I'm not looking forward to "coming out" about my current state of unbelief in anything to my friends and family (kind of hoping I will be settled on what I believe before I have to do that), right now, I feel very good. People have commented on a change they've seen: "You seem so confident lately!" "You've been very with-it!" These kinds of statements confirm what I've thought to be true: that being religion-free, at least right now, is a great thing for me.
I know that these aren't exactly questions about Christianity and the Bible, but moreso personal triggers. I can get into my qualms with Christianity later, but I just wanted to write about what set this period off and how it's going. I really need to work more diligently at finding the truth because, to be honest, I've just enjoyed not feeling guilty about wasting time. Not feeling like I need to spend every minute praying, reading something theological, or trying to shine the light of Christ on my non-christian friends. I've loved not feeling all that pressure, so I've just been having fun... watching TONS of curb your enthusiasm (and not feeling bad about all of the cussing and sexual references), reading secular literature, listening to new music, hanging out with friends (both the zeroes and the ones).... Anyway, I will get back to reading books on Christian apologetics, atheism, and other religions so that I can move from unbelief to belief in something or nothing. I don't like hiding this part of my life from my closest Christian friends and I'm looking forward to being honest with them. First, I just want to have a better idea of where I'm going to land.
Thanks for reading, Teresa :)
Well, I think it all started with being in Europe this summer. Of course I brought my Bible and journal, the two things that I needed whenever I had a "quiet time," but having quiet times when staying in hostels is even harder than having regular quiet times usually is. I don't want to blame my drifting from faith on my not reading my Bible (that implies that there is power in the Bible), but I will say that the two factors (less Bible reading and less believing) had a positive correlation. More than that, I believe, was meeting people in this godless area who were so kind and fun, other hostelers who were living their lives. I met so many people who most likely were not Christians, yet they seemed like intelligent, reasonable, loving people. There were even a few guys who I would have been tempted to like if I would have been allowed (Christians are not supposed to develop crushes on non-Christians- more on this point in a little bit). Anyway, in the Christian mindset, there's this awful us vs. them feeling, like all people are are zeros (unbelievers) and ones (believers). The conviction that if I wasn't shedding goodness and the gospel on these people, I shouldn't have been hanging out with them faded fast. I liked meeting these like-minded but non-christian people. I respected them and took them for what they were. I've since enjoyed doing the same thing with non-christians here.
By the very end of my Eurotrip, I was in close proximity to someone from home who is a devout Christian (I don't want to get into names in case people I know one day read this). We were staying with hosts who I don't believe consider themselves religious. Of course every person is different and personalities, individual ailments, education, and backgrounds affect all of us, but the behavior of the person I know from home contrasted against the behavior of our hosts was astounding. The Christian was being very selfish, lethargic, and ungrateful. All he wanted to do was stay inside his room and read the Bible and pray, even though he'd flown all the way to Europe! The hosts were baffled by this. I wanted to cease the day and enjoy my last few days in Europe. I wondered if religion had affected him adversely, like a drug he needed to survive. If a deep belief in God and a certainty that daily Bible reading, meditation, and solitary prayer is vital in keeping going does that to people (what I've just described), I decided that I didn't want a part of it. I was so much more impressed with the non-christians and their natural warmth than I was with him. I wanted to live my life experiencing thing of this world- things I can see, taste, and contribute to right here, not sacrificing everything for something I can't see the way this man was. Unless, of course, I was convinced that the thing I couldn't see really was true.
Getting back to the guy topic, I'm a 23 year old girl who has never been in a serious relationship. It's partly because of the last few years of doubts that I haven't. I didn't want to date a solid Christian man (not like they were easy to find, however) knowing that I didn't have my relationship with God down. I wanted to wait until my love for Jesus was perfect, so that the boy would not became my idol. I also wanted the guy to be a very serious Christian. God was my main focus, He was what I wanted to give all of myself to, so naturally, before I was willing to even consider myself dating someone, I had to be sure that that someone believed fully in God and loved Him too. Although I've not been ready to date for the last few years, many, many people I know have not only dated, but have gotten married. It's much more common in Christian society for people to marry young than it is in the rest of society, because of the fact that the beloveds are at least aiming at saving sex for marriage. Why endure painful years of celibate dating when you could just marry young? Anyway, as I began by saying, I'm now 23. I'm not really thinking that I will be dating seriously for about 4 or 5 more years, because of career and travel plans. If I returned to the Christian dating world at the age of 28, I have a serious concern that all that would be left in the dating pool would be the leftovers. That sounds insane, but I'm dead serious. Christians get married young, and if you find a Christian who's approaching 30 and is still not married, there's often a reason. If I'm willing to risk lifelong singleness and celibacy, I had better believe strongly in God. This is something that made me want to evaluate the logic of my faith.
One thing that has kept my agnostic period going is the comfort and freedom I've found in not believing. If God really is supposed to give a supreme Joy to those who believe in and love Him, why do I feel so good right now? Why hasn't not believing put me in a funk? I realized this morning that I haven't read my Bible since sometime in early June. I haven't prayed anything other than an occasional "If you're real, please, please show me" since about then too. I haven't been to my church in 5 weeks. I haven't been to my old Bible study since May. This is definitely the longest I've ever been without the "living water," but, unlike other periods of doubt, I don't feel at all parched. I feel more secure than I have in a very long time and excited about this period of learning, taking in, and questioning everything. Although reexamining everything you've thought to be true for your whole life isn't a bed of roses, and I'm not looking forward to "coming out" about my current state of unbelief in anything to my friends and family (kind of hoping I will be settled on what I believe before I have to do that), right now, I feel very good. People have commented on a change they've seen: "You seem so confident lately!" "You've been very with-it!" These kinds of statements confirm what I've thought to be true: that being religion-free, at least right now, is a great thing for me.
I know that these aren't exactly questions about Christianity and the Bible, but moreso personal triggers. I can get into my qualms with Christianity later, but I just wanted to write about what set this period off and how it's going. I really need to work more diligently at finding the truth because, to be honest, I've just enjoyed not feeling guilty about wasting time. Not feeling like I need to spend every minute praying, reading something theological, or trying to shine the light of Christ on my non-christian friends. I've loved not feeling all that pressure, so I've just been having fun... watching TONS of curb your enthusiasm (and not feeling bad about all of the cussing and sexual references), reading secular literature, listening to new music, hanging out with friends (both the zeroes and the ones).... Anyway, I will get back to reading books on Christian apologetics, atheism, and other religions so that I can move from unbelief to belief in something or nothing. I don't like hiding this part of my life from my closest Christian friends and I'm looking forward to being honest with them. First, I just want to have a better idea of where I'm going to land.
Thanks for reading, Teresa :)
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