1st Lutheran Pastor's Response!

I really appreciate the pastor at the Lutheran church for getting back to me so quickly and with such a thoughtful response. Again, the questions I'm asking the leaders of these churches when I email them are 1. about how they came to believe in God and why they keep believing in him daily and 2. about why they lead and worship in that particular church/ denomination. In my email to this pastor, I also told him that I enjoyed a part of the sermon in which he described the process of going out to eat. He even made a quick comment on tipping, saying "at least I hope you leave at least a 15 or 20% tip." Christians are notorious for bad tipping in the restaurant business! (Oh, I work as a part time server)

So, here it is:

"I'm glad that you emailed me, and that you found your worship time with us to be meaningful. I guess it was just fortuitous (or perhaps Spirit led) that some of the sermon resonated with you, especially the server part. As someone who has bused tables, washed dishes, and even cooked food (Colonel Sanders friend chicken in high school), I have a special fondness for those who work in food preparation and distribution.

I was blessed to be raised in a Lutheran/Christian home by a father who was very faithful and dedicated to Christ and the church, and a mother whose faith was not quite as strong. I enjoyed attending church services and found a home in our youth group. Early on (7th grade), I started to think about becoming a minster, and my parents and home pastor encouraged me in that direction. By the time I was in high school, I was taking language classes which would help me as I started college prep for the ordained ministry. Four years of college and four more years of seminary led to my ordination at Immanuel Lutheran Church in L____ in 1974.

Like many Christians, I have had my share of "ups and downs" in faith throughout the years. The deaths of my parents threw me for a loop, but also made me hang on more tightly to the resurrection promises of Jesus. My faith was challenged, but also comforted, by a stronger commitment to proclaim the resurrection. That's why I always end the communion meal with a blessing which speaks about the new life or resurrected life which is ours through our faith in Christ. I have had health issues to deal with for many decades. The past two years, my wife, K___, (First's Director of Education and Youth) has gone through cancer treatments and a stem cell transplant for non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Events like these have made me rely more and more on the grace of God to help me through troubled times and trials, remembering, as Jesus' promised, that he would always be with me, whatever it is I am going through.

What I value about my Lutheran/Christian faith and identity is its emphasis on the Word of God, the Scriptures, as a wonderful (though sometimes perplexing) expression of God's love and forgiveness for me. Lutherans emphasize God's grace (as I described it last night in our new member class - G.R.A.C.E. God's Riches At Christ's Expense). God's overwhelming love showered upon me, when I don't deserve it. God granting me the gift of eternity, not because of anything I have accomplished, but because of what Jesus has accomplished for me. Lutherans emphasize faith in Christ Jesus, and I deeply appreciate that.

I also appreciate the Lutheran approach to worship, with its structured liturgy which emphasizes the preaching of the Word and the sharing of the Meal (communion). And, of course, I love the music of the hymns we sing. Martin Luther said that singing hymns was like praying, and I agree. I enjoy the rich hymnody we have, because the music and the words of hymns and songs elicit strong feelings within me which nourish my faith -- challenging me where I need to change or improve, comforting me where I need to be encouraged, and commissioning me to share my faith with others.

I could probably say a lot more, but this may be more than you really wanted!! Anyway, I do hope to see you again in worship here. I will pray that God leads you to a congregation where you can grow in your faith and where you can serve Christ and his people with the gifts and talents God has given you.

Peace and love in Christ,

Pastor L___

PS Two weeks ago (September 26), instead of preaching a sermon I shared with the congregation something called "Narrative Communion Liturgy" which explained Lutheran worship. If you would like to have a copy of that to read (it's about 7 type written pages), just email me your address and I will mail you a copy to peruse."

*****

With all due respect to a man that I believe really is very Biblical and kind, what do you think of his story? I have to admire his faith and commitment to God, throughout his ups and downs, as he said. But does it point to the existence of a God or more to a faithful man who has found comfort in belief? Let's dialogue here.

David Bazan's "Bearing Witness"

Today, I had to drive quite a bit, just throughout town, from place to place. David Bazan's solo album, which debuted about a year ago, but only became a part of my itunes library months ago, felt like the right thing to listen to. David used to be the lead singer and song-writer of Pedro the Lion, a Seattle-based Christian rock group. But in 2004, he had a crisis of faith, and through the painful process of sifting the truth from the stories, he has now reached the conclusion that everything he had believed so strongly for his 30 something years was a lie. In his album, Curse Your Branches, themes of doubt, disillusionment, deconversion, pain, alcoholism that went with this process, disappointment, and renewal are prevalent. I found the song "Bearing Witness" particularly poignant today when I was driving through my city's downtown.

I clung to miracles I have not seen
From ancient signatures I cannot read
Though I've repented I'm still tempted I admit
But it's not what bearing witness is

To full of fear and prophecy to see
The revelation right in front of me
So sick and tired of trying to make the pieces fit
cause it's not what bearing witness is

When the gap between
what I hoped would be
and what is makes me weep for my kids
I take a cleansing breath
and make a positive confession
But is that what bearing witness is?

Though it may alienate your family
and blur the lines of your identity
Let go of what you know
and honor what exists
Son, that's what bearing witness is
Daughter, that's what bearing witness is

Hear him sing it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qVXev6It94


Whether or not you think that David came to the right conclusion on Christianity and God, you have to admit that his honesty is extremely admirable. To move from belief to disillusionment, and reexamine everything is not for the faint hearted. I am encouraged by him.

1st Lutheran

Well, yesterday I was scheduled to go to a Methodist church, but as my dear old Gramma says, all plans are subject to change. Due to running late, I went to a closer church, 1st Lutheran. In a few weeks, I'm scheduled to go there, so I'll go to the Methodist church instead :)

Having a background in (well, a number of denominations, but mostly) Evangelical Christianity, I am not well-practiced in liturgical services. One thing that stood out to me about this ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America) church was the structure. It was apparent that the way I was being led in worship yesterday is the way the congregation is led each Sunday. I find value in that. There's the danger that the rituals and the shared prayers will lose their meaning (you're just trying to focus on reading what you need to read, not actually thinking about it), but I think bringing the worship and the message out of the pulpit and more into the hands of the congregation is good.

Actually, I was happy to find that there was a paper in the lobby on the liturgy at 1st Lutheran! An exerpt:

"First, a word about the word 'liturgy.' 'Liturgy' is from the ancient Greek leitourgia and means 'public work' or 'the work of the people.' When the people of God gather on Sunday mornings, we gather to do 'the work of the people,' the liturgy."

You know, I graduated in May. A year ago, I had it firmly set in my mind that after graduating, I wanted to commit two years of my life toward an organization called Jesuit Volunteer Corps. JVC has four core beliefs: community (you share a living space with other volunteers, and hopefully, a friendship), spirituality (it's a Catholic organization, so church, Bible studies, and prayer are ways JVC encourages tending to its volunteers' spiritual needs), social justice (yay!), and simple living (you don't make much money at all for your services, but instead of that fact being viewed as a bad thing, JVCers see it as helping them become closer in understanding to the poor they are serving). It didn't work out (and good thing! For several reasons), but the process of applying was tedious. I wrote about 20 typed pages in answers to several questions applicants needed to address. One of those prompts said "Describe your communal prayer practices." Here's my answer (from a year ago):

[My home church] is a great church, however, like any one church, some points are hit hard on while others are missed. The idea that each of us is to have a personal relationship with Christ is preached just about every Sunday in some way or another. The idea that the church should have a communal relationship with Christ is not. Often one of the pastors will lead the congregation in prayer, but public prayers in which all the church-goers recite a prayer simultaneously rarely, if ever, are part of a church service. Whenever I’ve been to a different church that is more liturgical and have been a part of a public prayer, I have enjoyed the thought that for at least that moment, everyone in the room is united in their prayer to God, assuming that people are not just mindlessly saying the words. I have been involved in a prayer team for my missionary friend. The people in this group get together after church on the third Sunday of each month, bring a different dish, dine and converse, then get to business by sharing things that [my missionary friend] needs prayer for. Finally, with prayer requests noted, we all bow our heads and pray one person at a time. This time of group prayer is good because I get the chance to hear the ways that others converse with the Lord, join in a prayer that seems to have more weight than one that I might pray individually and silently, and know that even if my mind drifts, the prayer is being carried on, which is not the case when I’m praying on my own. I am hesitant to say that I feel God’s presence or the Holy Spirit moving within, just because I’m not completely sure, however, when I do pray in group settings, I often feel some force from God that touches me and reminds me of His attentiveness to our prayers and His power in answering them somehow. I definitely want to pray communally more.

Since JVC is a Catholic organization, I think I felt the need to praise communal worship practices highly, but what I wrote was sincere. Maybe I'll share more of my 20 page, deeply personal and spiritual application later in the blog. It's funny having reminders like that of how firmly I believed, or tried to believe.

Back to 1st Lutheran: the liturgy paper broke down the basics of any service at that church. If anyone has been to a different Lutheran church, perhaps you can chime in about whether this rings a bell. This church says the four actions that make every Sunday truly worshipful are the: gathering, word, meal, and sending.

Gathering- everyone comes to church. Confession and forgiveness, gathering song, greeting, Hymn of Praise, Prayer of the Day. Word- this part of the sermon is not just the reading of one passage, but rather 3: one Old Testament passage, one New Testament passage, and one Gospel passage. The congregation just stands when the 3rd passage is read, because the gospel has words spoken by Jesus, so it is considered more sacred. After each scripture reading, the readers says: "This is the word of God," and the congregation says, "Thanks be to God." Then the sermon, the Hymn of the Day, recitation of The Apostles Creed, the prayers of intercession (unique to individuals in the congregation's prayer needs)- again, there is a reading in the bulletin and the individuals in the pews are active in reading the prayer out loud... one person's not doing all the work while others sit silently, then the Meal. This involves taking an offering, then someone making a musical offering to prepare the hearts of the church-goers for communion (ahem, "the Eucharist"). I like what this liturgy paper says about these monetary and musical offerings that precede the Eucharist: "Our main offering, however, is really the offering of ourselves, as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, as St. Paul encourages us in Romans." Then, a congressional singing of Great Thanksgiving which ends with the famous Holy, Holy, Holy. Finally, Words of Institution, The Lord's Prayer, and the taking of the Eucharist. Then, a communion song, a post communion blessing and prayer. Then, the Sending, complete with a blessing, sending song, and dismissal "Go in peace- Thanks be to God."

So there you have it. Similar to Catholocism in the rigid structuring of the service and in the valuing of liturgy and the Eucharist, but definitely Protestant (Luther!!) Although there were a fair amount of people there, the reverend noticed me and greeted me personally. I've sent him an email. Hopefully he gets back to me.

For the record

I'm fine. Really! Just had to get all that out. Thank you for reading, my lovelies.

I hate feeling this alone.

For the past 8 years, I've lived in the same town, gone to the same church, developed relationships with people who were like-minded and God-centered. My church was everything a Bible-believing Christian could want. My friends were (and are) wonderful people with whom I felt so comfortable expressing my honest thoughts, having a good laugh, and delving deeper into the Bible. I worked and went to school with non-Christians who became acquaintances, but never really friends. I didn't think it was possible to reach the deep level of friendship with non-Christians that I could with Christians, because if someone did not believe what I believed was the most important thing in life, if we couldn't share that belief in Jesus, they would never be able to understand me truly and encourage my spirit the way one of my Christian friends could. Jesus was so important to me that if I didn't have him in common with another, I really wouldn't be able to share a deep friendship with him/her.

Suddenly, I'm not sure about Jesus. And now, all those friends with whom I had so much in common, they feel far away. My best friends, the ones I've cultivated over my time here, they believe with everything inside of them that the Bible is true, that God hears their prayers, that people who don't at one point ask Jesus into their hearts will go to hell. I love them for their faith. They are the kinds of people who really, seriously believe in what they profess to believe, and they live their lives each day in an attempt to bring glory to God and lead people to him. I really love them.

It's just that I've had to keep this from them because of how firmly they believe. I knew that once the news that I, one of the former firm believers (yes, doubt is not new to me, but overall, I have been a very committed Christian and have genuinely believed in the divinity of Jesus, and I have felt certain that I was in a loving relationship with him) was going through a time of honest and real unbelief surfaced, my closest friends would be extremely concerned. I hate disappointing people. I kind of hoped that I could skate by for a while by just having fun with them, talking about how things are going, having the sort of friendship non-Christians have, ones that are real and loving, just without the Jesus talk. But my avoidance of Bible studies and my aversion to conversation having to do with quiet times, the Bible, God, or spiritual growth caused my good friends to wonder what was going on. Of course. I realized that I needed to be honest, even if it meant that things wouldn't be the same and that I would make them sad.

In the past week, I've told two good Christian friends of mine. Now, to say that I've dated a little would be an over-statement, but I do have some experience in that realm. Each time I've mustered up the strength to tell a friend about my religious status, I've been reminded of what it felt like to break up with someone. That hollow feeling in your stomach. The determination to just do it even though you'd rather just fast forward and have it done for you somehow. The knowledge that you need to be honest, but the immense fear and guilt you feel over hurting someone. Unlike breaking up, the people I'm bearing the "bad" news to in these cases don't feel rejected. They can't take what I'm telling them personally. But, they would tell you that what I'm expressing to them is bigger than ending any human relationship, and therefore, the weightiness of my confession hits them, perhaps staggers them. They probably take what I'm saying in with disappointment in me, pity for me, and anxiety over whether or not I'll come to the "right" conclusion in the end. Being the person to inflict all of those feelings onto someone is awful.

I'm just afraid that without the Bible studies, the hugs at church, and the spiritual openness, these close friendships will fall apart. I don't want to be viewed as someone to be saved. I just want to be loved and accepted, encouraged to embrace this new passion for religious understanding. I know that if friends react with worry, it just means that they: a. believe firmly in what the Bible teaches and b. love me and want what's best for me, which is, in their eyes, to be in an every-changing relationship with Jesus. Even if I decide that that's not what's best for me, I can appreciate that their believing it is, just means they really love me.

I don't know where this post is going. I guess I want to know who my new good friends will be if my old good friends fizzle out. I'm not about to change my course because of loneliness; I need to do this for myself. But I'm going to need some community. Hopefully, it will be a diverse body of friends, some old gems and some new ones. Please, just love me for what I am, not for what you hope I'll be. That's all.