I hate feeling this alone.

For the past 8 years, I've lived in the same town, gone to the same church, developed relationships with people who were like-minded and God-centered. My church was everything a Bible-believing Christian could want. My friends were (and are) wonderful people with whom I felt so comfortable expressing my honest thoughts, having a good laugh, and delving deeper into the Bible. I worked and went to school with non-Christians who became acquaintances, but never really friends. I didn't think it was possible to reach the deep level of friendship with non-Christians that I could with Christians, because if someone did not believe what I believed was the most important thing in life, if we couldn't share that belief in Jesus, they would never be able to understand me truly and encourage my spirit the way one of my Christian friends could. Jesus was so important to me that if I didn't have him in common with another, I really wouldn't be able to share a deep friendship with him/her.

Suddenly, I'm not sure about Jesus. And now, all those friends with whom I had so much in common, they feel far away. My best friends, the ones I've cultivated over my time here, they believe with everything inside of them that the Bible is true, that God hears their prayers, that people who don't at one point ask Jesus into their hearts will go to hell. I love them for their faith. They are the kinds of people who really, seriously believe in what they profess to believe, and they live their lives each day in an attempt to bring glory to God and lead people to him. I really love them.

It's just that I've had to keep this from them because of how firmly they believe. I knew that once the news that I, one of the former firm believers (yes, doubt is not new to me, but overall, I have been a very committed Christian and have genuinely believed in the divinity of Jesus, and I have felt certain that I was in a loving relationship with him) was going through a time of honest and real unbelief surfaced, my closest friends would be extremely concerned. I hate disappointing people. I kind of hoped that I could skate by for a while by just having fun with them, talking about how things are going, having the sort of friendship non-Christians have, ones that are real and loving, just without the Jesus talk. But my avoidance of Bible studies and my aversion to conversation having to do with quiet times, the Bible, God, or spiritual growth caused my good friends to wonder what was going on. Of course. I realized that I needed to be honest, even if it meant that things wouldn't be the same and that I would make them sad.

In the past week, I've told two good Christian friends of mine. Now, to say that I've dated a little would be an over-statement, but I do have some experience in that realm. Each time I've mustered up the strength to tell a friend about my religious status, I've been reminded of what it felt like to break up with someone. That hollow feeling in your stomach. The determination to just do it even though you'd rather just fast forward and have it done for you somehow. The knowledge that you need to be honest, but the immense fear and guilt you feel over hurting someone. Unlike breaking up, the people I'm bearing the "bad" news to in these cases don't feel rejected. They can't take what I'm telling them personally. But, they would tell you that what I'm expressing to them is bigger than ending any human relationship, and therefore, the weightiness of my confession hits them, perhaps staggers them. They probably take what I'm saying in with disappointment in me, pity for me, and anxiety over whether or not I'll come to the "right" conclusion in the end. Being the person to inflict all of those feelings onto someone is awful.

I'm just afraid that without the Bible studies, the hugs at church, and the spiritual openness, these close friendships will fall apart. I don't want to be viewed as someone to be saved. I just want to be loved and accepted, encouraged to embrace this new passion for religious understanding. I know that if friends react with worry, it just means that they: a. believe firmly in what the Bible teaches and b. love me and want what's best for me, which is, in their eyes, to be in an every-changing relationship with Jesus. Even if I decide that that's not what's best for me, I can appreciate that their believing it is, just means they really love me.

I don't know where this post is going. I guess I want to know who my new good friends will be if my old good friends fizzle out. I'm not about to change my course because of loneliness; I need to do this for myself. But I'm going to need some community. Hopefully, it will be a diverse body of friends, some old gems and some new ones. Please, just love me for what I am, not for what you hope I'll be. That's all.